


Vandren's Asshole Snake

by phantomthief_fee



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Originally Posted on Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-10-29 15:22:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20798804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee
Summary: Fjord agrees to watch Vandren's snake Uk'otoa while he's on a sailing holiday. In retrospect, this was not a good idea.





	Vandren's Asshole Snake

Based on[ this ](https://sockablock.tumblr.com/post/186920650930/modern-au-where-ukotoa-is-just-vandrens-asshole)post by first [@feyfrumpkin](https://tmblr.co/m4l-Meq9u61m0Nx3pH_N9cA) and then [@sockablock](https://tmblr.co/m_UGWwzyyLnXEIBCGM5vQKw)

Enjoy the misadventures of these idiots petsitting (and losing) Vandren’s asshole snake

* * *

Fjord had not thought this through. Not completely, at least. But when Vandren asked him to do something, he did so without a second thought. He knew he didn’t need to. Vandren would have understood if he’d said no. But Fjord had agreed and now he was stuck taking care of Vandren’s snake Uk’otoa while Vandren went on a sailing holiday. Vandren had promised he wouldn’t be gone more than a week, but it was hard to tell. Vandren liked wandering when he was at sea. That wasn’t the point, though. The point was that Fjord was stuck watching this asshole snake for however long Vandren was gone. 

Fjord had gotten it into his head that he could do this up until he was alone with Uk’otoa. After all, Caduceus had told him that it would be fine.

“Taking care of an animal is a wonderful learning experience.” He’d said. “I think it would do you a lot of good.”

“But what if I fuck it up?” Fjord had asked. “What if it **_dies_**?”

“I’m confident you won’t kill him.” Caduceus had assured him with one of his low rumbling laughs. “But if you end up having trouble, I’ll do my best to help you.” As usual, Caduceus’ words had soothed Fjord’s anxieties. It would be fine, he told himself. He could do this. 

At first, it had seemed like he could do it. Uk’otoa had been perfectly well-behaved while Vandren was dropping him off. Thankfully, Vandren had written up some instructions for taking care of the snake, so it wasn’t as though Fjord was going in blind. Unfortunately, the second Vandren walked out the door, Uk’otoa turned on Fjord. He’d hissed, tried to bite Fjord, tried to escape.

“Cad. Help.” Fjord hissed into the phone, eyes darting over to where the snake was glaring at him. 

“What’s wrong?” Caduceus asked. As usual, his tone was calm and even. He’d left to buy some groceries before Vandren had arrived and thus hadn’t yet experienced the terror the snake was capable of. 

“I shouldn’t have agreed to this. The snake is evil.”

“Now, I’m sure he’s just nervous at being left with someone new. He’ll calm down once you give him some time to settle in.”

“No, you don’t understand. It. Is. Evil.” 

Uk’otoa had settled on a rock, staring intently at Fjord. Fjord hadn’t known snakes were capable of expressing that much disdain in only a look. He was curled up, tail flicking back and forth. Fjord had weighed down the top of the tank with the heaviest books he could find after Uk’otoa had slammed his body against the top in an attempt to dislodge it and escape. The heat lamp had been knocked over once or twice, but thankfully hadn’t burned anything.

“Look, I’ll be back in a little bit. Just sit tight,” Caduceus said. “You’re obviously feeling stressed. Why don’t you make some tea while you wait? I got a new blend at the farmer’s market last weekend.” Fjord just groaned and let Caduceus hang up. Well, at least when the firbolg got back he’d see how evil the snake truly was.

Fifteen minutes later, Caduceus arrived home with the groceries. Fjord hadn’t made any tea, instead sitting down on their admittedly rather beat-up couch to engage in a staring contest with Uk’otoa. The snake had tried a few more times to ram the lid open before deciding he was stuck for the moment and curling on the rock again. Fjord hadn’t wanted to leave the room lest Uk’otoa actually manage to get out.

“He seems to have calmed down,” Caduceus said, casting a glance toward the tank.

“He’s biding his time.” Fjord murmured. 

“I think you might be projecting.” Caduceus laughed. “Animals can’t really be evil.”

“It’s evil. You’ll see.” Fjord whispered. “You’ll see…” He had the sort of thousand-yard stare one associated with great trauma. Caduceus chuckled to himself, heading to the kitchen to put the groceries away. When he returned, he was carrying two cups of tea. 

“Here, drink this.” He handed one cup to Fjord, putting the other on the table. “It should help calm you down.”

“I’m perfectly calm!” Fjord protested. Even as he said this, though, his voice cracked.

“Sure you are.” Caduceus gave him one of his gentle smiles. Then he turned his attention to the tank. He knelt down, tapping a finger against the glass. 

“Hey there, little guy.” He said. “How’s it going?” Uk’otoa narrowed his eyes, tongue flicking out. 

“I know you’re probably scared because you’re in a new environment, but we’re not gonna hurt you.” He continued, giving the snake a comforting smile. 

Caduceus’ voice may have calmed everyone and everything, but it was not calming Uk’otoa. As soon as Caduceus removed the books weighing the mesh cover down, the snake rammed it in an attempt to throw the firbolg off guard and escape. This had the opposite effect, as Caduceus’ reaction to this was to yell and slam the cover back on. Quickly, he put the books back and turned back to Fjord.

“We need to get rid of it.” 

“As much as I appreciate that you believe me, I can’t just get rid of him now!” Fjord said. “Vandren left an hour ago! He’s probably already set sail!”

“Then call him!” Caduceus hissed, eyes darting fearfully back to Uk’otoa. 

“How?!” Fjord threw his hands up in desperation. “He doesn’t even have a cell phone!”

“He doesn’t?” Caduceus frowned. “Then how do you get in contact with him?”

“He’s got an old landline he uses.”

“And when he’s not near the landline?”

“You just hope he’s not dead or something.”

Caduceus stared at him for a moment. “You have strange friends.”

“Like you’re one to talk.” Fjord grumbled. Caduceus’ family were some of the weirdest people Fjord had ever met and he absolutely had no right to judge. Caduceus gave him one of his patented ‘Southern Belle’ judgment looks, folding his arms. 

“Anyway, what are we gonna do about this?” Fjord asked, subtly jerking his head back toward the tank. Caduceus didn’t immediately answer, beginning to worry with his tail as he thought.

The apartment was agonizingly silent as the two of them frantically tried to figure out some way to deal with Uk’otoa. 

“Isn’t Mollymauk home?” Caduceus suddenly asked, his eyes lighting up.

“Molly? What does he have to do with this?” Fjord asked. 

“He worked at the circus, didn’t he? And if he worked at the circus, he might have worked with animals.” Caduceus gestured back to Uk’otoa, who may or may not have been flipping them off with his tail. 

“Oh, shit! Yeah!” Fjord’s eyes widened. 

Mollymauk **had **worked in the circus for a time, although he hadn’t actually had any animal handling experience. This didn’t particularly matter to either Fjord or Caduceus at the moment, though.

“Watch him.” Fjord said to Caduceus before bolting to Mollymauk’s room and pounding on the door. 

“I’m up! I’m up! Stop it!” Molly’s voice came from inside. After a few minutes of shuffling, Molly opened the door in a purple robe. A very small purple robe that he was absolutely not wearing anything under. Had Fjord not been living with Molly for a few years, this might have flustered him. At this point, they’d all seen each other naked and none of them cared. 

“What?” Molly asked, stifling a yawn. 

“You gotta help. The snake’s evil.”

“Snake?” Molly frowned for a moment before recognition crossed his features. “Vandren dropped off his snake?” Fjord was pretty sure he didn’t like the mischevious glow developing in Molly’s eyes. 

“Yeah, and it’s evil,” Fjord said. “Deucy already tried to do his weird animal magic on it and it didn’t work.”

“Mm. I see.” Molly nodded, but it was clear he wasn’t listening. The gears were turning in his mind, probably toward some plan Fjord wasn’t going to like.

“Look, did you work with animals at the circus?” Fjord asked as Molly turned away and started digging through his drawers. 

“Oh no. I wasn’t allowed near the animals after I almost got disemboweled by a lion.” Molly started throwing clothes onto his bed. “I probably would’ve died if Yasha hadn’t dragged it off of me.”

“Fuck,” Fjord muttered. They were well and truly screwed then. He didn’t want the snake around, Caduceus didn’t want the snake around. Molly would probably like it, but that was mostly because he didn’t seem to have much in the way of self-preservation. The ER staff were on a first-name basis with him. Fjord already felt like going and screaming in the woods.

“Molly, what’re you doing?” He asked when he noticed Molly had discarded his robe and was starting to pull on the clothes he’d thrown onto his bed. 

“It’s not every day we get a snake in the house.” Molly grinned back at Fjord. “Might as well make the most of it, mm?”

“Make the most of it…how?” Fjord was sure he didn’t want to know Molly’s answer. 

“Why, a photoshoot of course!” Molly proclaimed, striking a dramatic pose. He’d picked out a sparkly crop top, black jean shorts, and some striped leggings.

“No.” Fjord started to shake his head. “No, you are not taking that thing out of its tank.”

“Oh, come on, Fjord.” Molly draped himself over Fjord’s shoulder. “When are we going to get another chance like this? A chance to make something _beautiful_~” He punctuated his last word with a grand hand gesture. 

“It’s gonna bite you.” Fjord insisted.

“It’ll be fine.” Molly scoffed, pushing off of Fjord. “I doubt Vandren would keep a venomous snake around.”

Uk’otoa was, in fact, extremely venomous. The only reason he hadn’t killed anyone was that he liked Vandren enough not to make trouble too much. But his distaste for Fjord outweighed his fondness for Vandren.

Caduceus was watching Uk’otoa from behind the couch when Fjord and Molly reentered the living room. Molly had gotten out the Polaroid camera he’d scavenged from a thrift shop and only brought out for ‘special occasions’. 

“Have no fear, your god has arrived!” Molly announced, striding in.

“Are you going to get rid of the snake?” Caduceus asked. “Please say you’re going to get rid of the snake.”

“Why would I get rid of it?” Molly laughed.

“Because it’s evil and wants to kill us while we sleep?” Fjord suggested. 

“Don’t you two have any sense of adventure?” Molly leaned on the back of the couch. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!” Caduceus stared blankly at him. He’d only really understood that Molly was not going to be getting rid of the snake.

“He wants to take pictures with the snake,” Fjord said.

“Mollymauk, that’s rather dangerous.” Caduceus chided him. “You could get bitten.”

“He won’t bite me.” Molly scoffed. Spoken like a man who had forgotten he’d gone to the ER last month for a snake bite. 

“But what if it does?” Caduceus insisted. 

“Then I’ll go to the ER. It’ll be fine.” Molly waved a hand dismissively. “Come on!”

“We’re all gonna die.” Fjord groaned. 

Molly did end up convincing them to let him have a photoshoot with the snake. It took about an hour, but he managed it. Caduceus was still trying to get Fjord to get rid of the snake as the two of them set up a makeshift background. Molly, meanwhile, got out some props and inspected Uk’otoa to see what colors he needed to use. 

“You know, I think you might be the better candidate to pose with it.” He said, glancing back at Fjord. “Your skin looks better with its colors.”

“Wha-! Me?!” Fjord almost dropped the plastic plant he’d been shoving in a pot. “But it hates me!”

“I’m sure it doesn’t** hate **you.” Molly scoffed. 

Uk’otoa did hate him. But it was a clever snake. It bided its time, watching and waiting as Mollymauk arranged it around Fjord’s shoulders. Molly had insisted Fjord be shirtless for the photos, which did not make Fjord feel better about the whole thing. (”This is givin’ it more skin to bite!”) But Uk’otoa didn’t strike yet. No. It waited until Molly had retreated to take the pictures and Caduceus had moved to go make some more tea. Then…Then it struck. 

Fjord let out a shriek that sounded rather like a little girl as Uk’otoa sunk its fangs into the soft flesh of Fjord’s shoulder. It decided not to use its venom this time. Vandren didn’t like it when it killed people. Fjord flailed, tossing Uk’otoa to the ground. Both Caduceus and Molly ran to Fjord’s side, allowing Uk’otoa to slither under the couch. 

“Oh, shit! Are you alright?” Molly asked. 

“I’m gonna die!” Fjord yelled, starting to hyperventilate. 

“Calm down.” Caduceus put a large hand on his unbitten shoulder. “Take some deep breaths. Freaking out isn’t going to do you any good.”

“O-Okay.” Fjord took a few deep breaths, but his eyes continued to dart back toward the bite wound. 

“Let me just get my first aid kit, alright?” Caduceus’ voice remained calm and even. “I think I’ve still got some extra antivenom around.” 

“Okay.” Fjord squeaked. Caduceus nodded, moving away to find his first aid kit. 

“Sorry.” Molly smiled sheepishly. “I, uh, I didn’t think it’d bite you.”

“I told you it was evil.” Fjord grumbled, hunching his shoulders. 

“Yeah, I can tell.”

As Caduceus was returning with his kit, there was the sound of heavy footsteps outside and the door was slammed open. Beauregard came charging in, holding a baseball bat.

“I heard screaming! Who’s getting murdered!” She looked around, ready to kick someone’s ass. She lowered her bat when she saw Fjord, Caduceus, and Molly all standing there, unmurdered and mostly fine. “Dude…Why’s your shirt off?” 

“Is everyone okay?” Jester poked her head in behind her. “There was an awful lot of yelling.”

“Everyone’s fine.” Caduceus smiled gently. “We just had a little bit of a mishap with Fjord’s friend’s snake.”

“Still not telling me why Fjord’s not wearing a shirt.” Beau pointed her bat at Fjord. 

“I wanted to do a photoshoot with the snake,” Molly explained. “Fjord’s skin tone looked best with it and I thought it would look better if he was shirtless for the pictures.”

“Oh, that’s so fun!” Jester chirped. “Like that photoshoot you did with me and Sprinkles last year!”

“I told him it was gonna bite me.” Fjord said. 

“Yes, you did.” Caduceus bent down next to him, starting to clean the wound. “The good news is, I don’t think it’s venomous. You’d probably be dead if it was.”

“Well, I’m really glad you’re not dead.” Jester sat down on the couch. “That would suck.”

“I hear dying by venom’s pretty painful.” Beau sat down next to her. “Wouldn’t want to go out like that.”

Unnoticed by everyone, Jester had forgotten to close the door, allowing Uk’otoa to slip away. Until about ten minutes later, when all their phones pinged. 

“Oh hey! Yasha texted us!” Jester said, her tail starting to wiggle happily. 

“In the group chat?” Molly asked, already on the way back to his room to get his phone. His shorts didn’t really have great pockets. 

Everyone else opened up the message to see what Yasha had to say. She’d sent a message saying, ‘hey, look at this snake I saw outside,’ followed by a photo of herself leaning down and doing the peace sign behind a very familiar snake. 

“That’s a weird-ass snake.” Beau frowned. “Look at those weird yellow spots. They look like eyes.”

“They do kinda look like eyes.” Jester agreed. 

“Oh fuck.” Fjord looked about to pass out.

“You okay?” Beau asked, suddenly a bit worried. 

“That’s Uk’otoa! He got out!” Fjord pointed frantically at the picture. 

“He got out?” Molly reappeared. His gaze went to the still open door. “Oh. Okay, that makes sense.”

“Is that really such a bad thing?” Caduceus asked with a slightly nervous smile. “It might be happier outdoors.” 

“Vandren’s gonna kill me if he finds out it got away!” Fjord clambered to get his jacket and shoes. Caduceus sighed heavily, shoulders slumping in defeat. He really didn’t want the snake back in the apartment. But, he appreciated that Fjord was trying to be responsible.

“Do you want us to help find him?” Jester asked, getting up to stand near Fjord. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with Vandren.” They’d all heard stories about Vandren’s temper and none of them wanted Fjord to be on the receiving end of it. She put a hand on Fjord’s shoulder.

“That’d be nice, thanks, Jessie.” Fjord calmed a bit at Jester’s touch. 

“I think that Zemnian guy downstairs has a cat,” Beau said, getting up too. “He’s gotta know something about catching animals, right? Let’s go ask him to help.”

“He does!” Molly immediately perked up. “Let’s go see him. It’s been forever since I petted Frumpkin.”

“I’ve been meaning to return that book he lent me.” Caduceus agreed, disappearing into his room to find said book.

Once Caduceus had found the book, the group made their way down to Caleb’s apartment. He could hear them coming before they even reached his floor. They weren’t exactly a quiet group. He didn’t rouse himself from his spot on the couch until they knocked on his door, though. 

“Ja?” He opened the door with Frumpkin curled around his shoulders. 

“Mr. Caleb~” Mollymauk smiled wide. “Such a pleasure to see you~ And hello to you, Frumpkin!” He gave Frumpkin a scratch under the chin, which elicited a purr.

“Ah, Mr. Mollymauk.” Caleb smiled back, a tad tentatively. “How can I help you and your, er, friends?” He peered past Molly at the others crammed into the hallway. 

“You know how to catch animals, right?” Beau asked. 

Caleb stared blankly at her. “Excuse me?”

“Fjord’s pet-sitting for his friend and we kinda lost his snake.” Jester explained. “We thought you could help us find him again!”

“And I wanted to give this back to you.” Caduceus handed the book off to him. Caleb continued to stare blankly at them, now holding the book. 

“I…do not have much experience with animals of the reptile variety.” He finally said. 

“But,” he quickly added as he saw Fjord begin to panic. “I think I **do** know someone who can help.”

“You do?” Fjord’s eyes widened in hope. 

“We’ll meet you at the park in five minutes,” Caleb said before closing the door. 

Five minutes later, all of them were gathered in the nearby park, with Jester and Caduceus trying to keep Fjord calm in the meanwhile. He was still freaking out about losing the snake, even if he was kind of glad it wasn’t anywhere near him. Molly was taking advantage of this trip to the park by having a contest with Beau to see which of them could swing higher. 

“Oh, look! It’s Caleb!” Jester suddenly said, pointing. Sure enough, Caleb was walking up with his roommate, Nott. Nott was wearing a pair of rubber gloves, an apron, and thick lab goggles, balancing a massive net in her hands. It was both extremely silly, and also rather impressive.

“We are here,” Caleb announced. 

Everyone stared at Nott, who looked incredulously at Fjord.

“Really? You let a _snake_ get away?” She said. “Those things don’t even have _legs_. You _suck_.”

“Just help me get the snake back, please,” Fjord begged.

About an hour later, Uk’otoa was back in his tank and not very happy about it. And, thankfully for everyone, Vandren returned a few days later because he’d forgotten something and the snake was quickly given back to him. Everyone made Fjord promise never to do something like that again. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Critical Role fic and I hope I did a good job.


End file.
